Location, Location, Location

The idea of going ‘inward’ to find truth, or the concept of an ‘inner’ self or a ‘higher self frustrates me.

I can no more grasp the locus of my  inner self than I can my heart, brain, or lungs. I’m told that  my vital organs are also within me, but I can’ t see or feel them–as long as they’re functioning properly. I see the rise and fall of my chest, but I’m not convinced there are lungs inside of me. I’ve never seen them, but if I were cut open, I can reasonably expect that these organs I’ve heard about would be there–quite pinkly proven.  If I have difficulty imagining my own physicality, then trying to wrap my mind around an intangible part of myself is just impossible.

How high up is my higher self? Step-stool high? Binoculars high? Hubble telescope high?

How do I know I’ve probed far enough toward my inner self? Is it like jabbing a finger inside my ear until I hit a tender spot?

I’m certain that what is meant by ‘higher’ self describes an evolved self rather than a geographically elevated self, but the concept still makes me want to look up. I’m hung up on the actual locus of these ’selves’ and want so much to find them and integrate them into my experience, but my quest is unresolved and fruitless, and it makes me wonder about ‘where’ any part of my ’self’ really is.

Maybe there is no locus at all. Maybe, attempting to pinpoint any supposed aspect of myself is like the ocean trying to find the wet spot. There is no inner self or higher self. There is only the self, examined or unexamined, conscious or unconscious.

It’s right here.

Station VIII: Jesus Consoles the Weeping Daughters of Jerusalem

Chakra: Brow                     Illusion: Death

 Concern: Legacy              Revelation: Eternal Life

The flesh will succumb to death, but the God light in each of us is eternal, and this is our spiritual legacy.  Spirit manifests itself in all the generations to come, and will not cease with physical death. Life is eternal, in its myriad forms, from age to age.

Meditation: Though my ego-filtered experience in this life is finite, my awareness is infinite. The past has never been, the future never arrives, because the present is  eternal and deathless.

Volition

  

I don’t pray in my dreams.

 

The notion of God

isn’t even a dream

in my dreams, because

beyond the shoals

of heavy drowse

there—in the deeper, blacker waters

I’m in the moment

treading thoughts

thoughtlessly.

I’m in this moment

and this moment too,

like an animal

who doesn’t pray

but dies ok.

 

Morning claims me, reigns me in.

My silver cord is tensile

resilient, intact—

for now.

I open my eyes

in prayer

in need

desirous as always, resuming my petition:

 

Our Father, Mother may I?

Forgive me, and give me this.

Fill me up and top me off.

Make me whole; make me rich

and pretty and smart and

oh yes, pious.

Give me this, God,

and I shall flatter you

with grateful oblation.

 

I’ll have the whole world

begging you for scraps of grace,

for miracles and resolutions.

And for help finding lost things.

Just a word from me, God,

and all this could be yours.

You know what you have to do.

 

Moments?

Who can bother with moments

when there is only lack?

How can I be present

with pieces missing?

And even though I give God

excellent suggestions

on ways to make my life better,

he wakes me up inside my dream,

calling my name, convincing me

there are no other names.

–Cindy St. Onge

Station XIV: Moving Forward In A Circle

Energy never ceases to exist, and it moves from one conveyance to another. In the last station, Jesus is buried in the selpucher. He is seen being laid onto a slab, his crown of thorns leaning against the step. The lemniscate is conspicuous in the twisted thorns, a reminder that life is eternal.

Jesus won’t just be laid in the tomb as is. There is preparation necessary before he is considered “buried”. The body will be bathed and annointed with oil, wrapped in linens, including a chin strap. Here, the pilgrim prepares as well. The soul is getting ready to reappear, to struggle once again toward awakening and to help others along the way. The message of this station is clear in its Roman numbering. The ‘I’ sits between X and V. In between transcendance and matter/mater, is the ‘I’. Here is where the journey really begins.

Station XIII: Casting Off the Shell

This station continues the work of the last, casting off the ego-riddled shell from the everlasting spirit. Jesus body is broken and lifeless, him arms hang limply as he is taken down from the cross.  Perhaps this is the fourth fall, the literal detachment, of soul from body, of body from cross, of self from a linear destiny.

Thirteen breaks down to four, which vibrates around matter and the physical. This station has brought us back to the root chakra, and by this time, we understand that the soul has survived– it is the spirit, our god-spark that throbs in us and through us. Forever.