W. Was a Decider; It Can’t Be That Hard.

We agonize over which direction to go, which step to take first, because we want to make the ‘right’ choice. As we mull over our options, we get bogged down  in the emotional language of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. In the process it becomes difficult to sense what we wanted to do in the first place.

I think that in many cases, we’ve  not asked the question we really want answered. If we haven’t asked the question, we can’t get the information we’re seeking.

When we say we want to make the ‘right’ choice, what we really mean is that we want to make the ‘easy’ choice—the decision that will have the fewest ramifications and require the least amount of work, hassle, and explaining.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

So if what we really want is to make the easiest choice, then we should ask that question  to get the answer we need in order to proceed. There is nothing wrong with wanting to walk the path of least resistance. It’s efficient, clean, and direct. No judgment there. When we ask the question this way, we’re not cluttering the decision making process with our ideas about right and wrong, and about all the different  consequences with their attendant judgments. If we want to proceed in the direction that will get us to where we want to go the fastest, with as few obstacles as possible, then we must ask that question specifically. “What is the easiest thing I can do now?”

I’m trying to eliminate the word ‘right’ from my vocabulary. True ethical dilemmas aside, this word is rife with judgments and baggage, and part of the baggage is the word wrong.

We move forward or don’t based on our judgment of pain and failure, versus pleasure and success. Both success and failure are temporary, so why judge them and make the feelings associated with any experience linger long after it naturally passes? This again requires diligent presence and awareness of the moment. This is what the energy of the number 5 (in numerology) teaches us. To remain emotionally supple and open, letting experience pass through us instead of closing around it, blocking off possibility.

Location, Location, Location

The idea of going ‘inward’ to find truth, or the concept of an ‘inner’ self or a ‘higher self frustrates me.

I can no more grasp the locus of my  inner self than I can my heart, brain, or lungs. I’m told that  my vital organs are also within me, but I can’ t see or feel them–as long as they’re functioning properly. I see the rise and fall of my chest, but I’m not convinced there are lungs inside of me. I’ve never seen them, but if I were cut open, I can reasonably expect that these organs I’ve heard about would be there–quite pinkly proven.  If I have difficulty imagining my own physicality, then trying to wrap my mind around an intangible part of myself is just impossible.

How high up is my higher self? Step-stool high? Binoculars high? Hubble telescope high?

How do I know I’ve probed far enough toward my inner self? Is it like jabbing a finger inside my ear until I hit a tender spot?

I’m certain that what is meant by ‘higher’ self describes an evolved self rather than a geographically elevated self, but the concept still makes me want to look up. I’m hung up on the actual locus of these ’selves’ and want so much to find them and integrate them into my experience, but my quest is unresolved and fruitless, and it makes me wonder about ‘where’ any part of my ’self’ really is.

Maybe there is no locus at all. Maybe, attempting to pinpoint any supposed aspect of myself is like the ocean trying to find the wet spot. There is no inner self or higher self. There is only the self, examined or unexamined, conscious or unconscious.

It’s right here.

Station XIII: Casting Off the Shell

This station continues the work of the last, casting off the ego-riddled shell from the everlasting spirit. Jesus body is broken and lifeless, him arms hang limply as he is taken down from the cross.  Perhaps this is the fourth fall, the literal detachment, of soul from body, of body from cross, of self from a linear destiny.

Thirteen breaks down to four, which vibrates around matter and the physical. This station has brought us back to the root chakra, and by this time, we understand that the soul has survived– it is the spirit, our god-spark that throbs in us and through us. Forever.