Breaking Down

Last week at work I reached a breaking point. I wasn’t sure why, and I don’t remember what I was doing, but I just started to tear up and had to fight to keep from exploding into a sobbing fit. I’m unhappy with the pace and content of my life right now, and at that moment I couldn’t contain my despair any longer. It took me by surprise, but I guess I should have seen it coming.

My body has been breaking down these last few weeks. I’ve had joint pain and stiffness that doesn’t go away, I’m grinding my teeth again, and am becoming increasingly weary of the daily tedium.

So as I sat at my desk fighting back tears, tyring to regain my composure so that no one would see my moment of weakness, I thought about what it meant to break down. If I want to know who I am, and what I’m made of, maybe the best way, or maybe even the only way, is through disassembly. It’s hard to say what makes me me, and it’s difficult to define those things that drive and motivate me, when they’ve become tangled together over the years.

Once the facade falls away, the components of the individual are exposed. So what are the building blocks of Grizelda? Hope, fear, love, hunger, desire. Now I see what I have to work with, and can begin to rebuild.

Advertisements

7 Responses to Breaking Down

  1. bennyray says:

    Your a great writer. I like how you describe things.

  2. For Prez '24 says:

    Theres nothing wrong with a break down. Certainly its possible to avoid one but sometimes it still needs to happen to release whatever you’ve stored up.

    http://www.QuestioCunctus.com

  3. Scott becker says:

    Grizelda, First I would like to say that I admire you for having the courage to express these feelings here in public. That means that you are searching for answers. That’s a place that you want to be. You do not want your emotions all bottled up and taking no action on them.

    Here is the link to my MySpace profile, I would like you to read my story. You can just copy and paste this link.
    http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=320371009

    What I am getting at is life is a series of ups and downs. Just a few years ago I had no interest in this planet and needed to rebuild my entire life – today I am in a better spot. Who knows about tomorrow. Just hang in there, take it one day at a time ( boy, I hate that word time ) and the way things look today will be very different than they look in the near future.

    Take care!
    Scott

  4. Lisa says:

    Aw, Griz; this makes me sad. It’s so strange what hides beneath our public personas. So much complexity.

    By the way, I like the way your brain/mind works!

  5. grizelda3 says:

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting everyone! Don’t cry for me ArgenLisa; it would only be sad if I didn’t learn anything from the pain.

    –griz

  6. blueotterdance says:

    don’t be afraid of the breakdown. go for it. don’t resist. and when it’s done, pick yourself up, and see what’s on the other side.

    i love you.
    from one who has broke down in front of you…
    blueotter

  7. grizelda3 says:

    I love you too, blueotter.
    You’ve seen me blacked-out drunk. it don’t get much more broke-down that that, baby!

    love ya,

    -griz

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: